no. 15: bangggg!!!!

Baril. Pumuputok. Yan lagi ang naririnig ko pag nag-bibingo kami ng Nanay ko. Nong una nag-tanong pa ako kung ano yon. 45 nga pala. Well, I could’ve had an explosive birthday celebration last Wednesday. Makalaglag-baga sana ang candle blowing dahil 45 candles na yong ibo-blow ko. But yon nga, I spent the day curled up in bed nursing a flu na ewan ko ba naman kung bakit bumagsak sa akin with such impeccable timing.
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Yup, 45 na po ako and most of my friends know. Si Raoul pa, nothing escapes his 201 files kaya ilang araw din nyang binandera ang mga cute na b-day cards that says 45. And I’ve got no problems with that. Afterall, I’ve got no quarrel with my age. I recognize with pride na malayo na ang narating ng edad ko in terms of days. Tumalon na sa kalendaryo. Malapit na ring tumalon sa mega lotto. Buti na lang nandyan pa ang bingo.
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So while I was lying in bed waiting for that couple of panadol to bring me some comfort, I was thinking to myself, ano ba dapat pag 45 na? Old na ba yon? Should I feel like my joints are stuck at kailangan na ng WD40? Dapat ba malapit na akong makamukha ni Brader o kaya ni Felice? Ano ba ang nagawa ng 45 years sa akin? Where should the 16,425 days show?

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Well, as the fever subsided and the body pains slowly went away, that’s when I realized that the magic word for 45 is not OLD. Instead, it’s MATURED. And that’s when I started some introspection again.

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Matured saan? Psychologically? Emotionally? Physically? Financially? Sige, isa-isahin natin.

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Psychologically, hindi ko na yata hinintay na mag-45 ako bago pa ako mag-mature. In fact, matagal na akong 45 kung ito ang pag-uusapan natin. Noong college pa lang ako pero nagkukumahog na akong mag-support ng family ko, noon pa lang 45 na ako.

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Malaking factor kasi sa psychological maturity ang kahirapan. Coz you’re more exposed to challenges na normally hindi nararanasan ng iba. If you were born poor at nangangarap kang umahon sa kahirapang kinagisnan mo, then you have to be older than your age. 17 years old ka pero alam mo na kung ano ang meaning ng responsibilidad, ng hard-work, dedication, focus at determination. Hindi ka pa nagde-debut pero daig mo pa ang pamilyadong tao. Hindi ka pa nakaka-boto pero buo na ang prinsipyo mo sa buhay.

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Kaya kung maagang dumating sa akin ang maturity, konti na lang ang nasagap ko as years went on. Nag-improve lang siguro sa ilang bagay like yong manner ng pagha-handle ko ng problems. Hindi na ako panicky tulad ng dati. At ngayon mas masarap nang magbigay ng advise. Marami na kasing naranasan over the years. Marami nang natutunan. (Masakit kung maraming naranasan pero walang natutunan!).

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Emotionally naman medyo kulang pa siguro ang maturity ko. Oo nga at marami na akong dinanas, the pain and sufferings of love lost, relationships broken, family ties severed and dreams gone awry. At wag nating kalimutan ang stress sa trabaho and all the frustrations, aspirations, joy and disappointments resulting from politics at work. Lahat yan dinanas ko na so pwede ko nang sabihing medyo nasa 30’s na ang emotional maturity ko. Ang kulang na lang para maging 45 ako emotionally is yong makaipon ako ng kahit dalawang kilo ng pasensya sa mga taong mayayabang, makukulit, iresponsable at imposible. When that time comes, cool na cool na ako non.

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Physically, 45 na ba ako? Parang hindi pa. Wala pa akong rayuma, dementia, dyspepsia at kung ano-anong sia. The passing of years seem to do very little damage kung physical maturing ang pag-uusapan. Kasi hindi ko rin naman inabuso ang katawan ko. At salamat na rin dahil binigyan ako ng bodily structure na hindi madaling makuba or mukhang madaling matadtad ng pilegis like a pitbull.

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In fact, it’s in the looks department where I suffer most. Imagine, 9 years ago I went to see an adult movie sa Robinson Cinema. Tinanong ako ng ticket lady kung ilang taon na raw ako with the most suspicious look in her not-so-good-looking face. Sige nga, if I were you paano ka magre-reak? Shall I tell her the truth? Sasabihin ko bang 36 na ako eh ito nga at pinag-dududahan na ang edad ko kung adult nga ba ako o hindi? ‘26’ sabi ko ng walang kakurap-kurap. Binigyan ako ng ticket. Eh kung sinabi ko ang totoo baka sabihin pang niloloko ko sya!

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It was only three years ago when the age started to manifest physically in some ways na hindi ka-aya-aya. My mid-section started to grow. Lumaki ang tyan ko and it was a very unpleasant sight dahil hindi bagay sa frame ko. But I was too lazy to do something about it. And if you’ll look at me, yon lang ang pwede mong maging clue na 45 na ako. Otherwise, you’ll think I’m just one overfed soul na mahilig kumain pero tamad mag-exercise.

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And what about the financial department? Ay teka, can I leave it out na lang…. heheheh… Basta ang masasabi ko, nagtitiis pa rin ako dito sa Saudi until now. And I wouldn’t do that if I already have reached a certain level of financial maturity. Yon lang.

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So what now that I am 45? Wala. I’m old in some ways but still young in most. Mahilig pa rin ako sa burger and fries. I still love watching Tom and Jerry and The Simpsons. Mas gusto ko pa rin ang T-shirt at rubber shoes. Updated pa rin ako sa alternative rock. I still love Superman and Star Wars. Mas gusto ko pa rin ng mga kaibigang makukulit at magugulo. Mas gusto ko pa ring tumawa kesa magmukmok at ma-mroblema ng mga bagay na hindi ko dapat problemahin.

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In short, if you think 45 is old and boring, then you’re totally mistaken. Afterall, if you’ll believe the cliché that says life begins at 40, then I’m nothing short of a 5-year old kid. So cute and cuddly! Wanna hug? Pag-bigyan mo na, birthday ko naman eh! Otherwise, uubuhan kita, yon, pumuputok din! Hehehehe.