later than sooner

Got another scare the last few days when my mom went back to hospital just a couple of weeks after she was first admitted. That is why since Monday I was a walking zombie – living life by the hour, by the minute, moving, talking, working and doing stuff I’m supposed to do on a normal day – but at the back of my mind something ‘s bugging me big time.

It’s the usual what ifs. What if her condition worsens. What if she doesn’t go through this as we hoped she would do. What if the antibiotics, dextrose and pills don’t do the trick anymore. What if… what if… what if…

The situation is ominous. We – my brothers and sisters and I – know that something inevitable is looming. We know that that thief is lurking just somewhere nearby and he would snatch dear mom from us any moment.

I’d like to think I’m preparing myself well for that. But hey, we all know that nothing can prepare us from situations like that. I might be projecting myself as the rock of the brood - encouraging my brothers and sisters, telling them all to be strong, convincing them everytime that everything will be alright. But the truth is, I’m scared as hell myself.

Before, I would turn off my roaming before going to bed. I told people back home not to text me while I’m still sleeping. I’m that imperious not to let them cut my sleep short for unimportant messages. But nowadays I keep it open 24/7. And my heart seems to skip a bit every time I hear that incoming message beeping.

For now she’s off the hook. She responded to the medication and has regained some strength. I hope and pray she’d go on and fully recover. I still promised her that I’m gonna buy a plane to fly her to some vacation spots she’d want to see. She laughed weakly. But that laughter gave me a bit of faith that the thief isn’t gonna come this time. At least not for now.

Obama talked about the audacity of hope in his book. I’d say it’s the audacity of faith in my case. I still have faith in what a sincere prayer can do. And this time, that prayer is still quite effecitve. And I can still hope for a few more chances to wish my mom a happy mother’s day personally.

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And from this day onwards, I’d work on convincing myself that I can truly be strong and prepared for whatever happens. And I’d better work more on some of my jokes to give my mom a few more laughs.